My experience of listening to attorneys and justices debate, as well as later hear the radio news playing sound bites from the protests all had my head spinning. Spinning into thoughts looking inward. Thinking of my life in terms of the fights in the courts, vs. my own struggle. The struggle to maintain my own equanimity despite feeling depressed regarding my single life, after a taste last year of a relationship. After four years of singlehood. And now I'm back to that alone state again. My thoughts range from wanting to offer unbridled support in the battle for marriage rights for the LGBT community to thinking how hypocritical my marching and protesting could be. Why? I feel if I am to participate I somehow must be beyond reproach in my relationships, my life. Surely this singlehood cannot merit the ends demanded by the current social challenges. So basically, damnded if I do, damned if I don't
I realize I have such unique opportunities for the cause of human rights among other social issues in my work as a library cataloger. Sometimes, I'm able to reveal what's normally hidden according to national standards—chapter titles in books not normally captured, but by local standards, things that my library does transcribe. With this, it's the hope that a researcher, student, or faculty member can move further along in their work in making the world a better place for those without a voice, without a means of changing their situation.
Even in this, I feel like my own connection to others has its limits at best. Limited enough that the special, intimate connection I seek eludes me. Through the wonderful people I've met in my life (as well as the not-so-wonderful people), I see peeks of what I want in that connection, what I dream of. I do ask a lot of my life—but why not, especially after so much has been asked of me as far as school and work. I can't seem to reconcile the quality of life I have experience and continue to in the academic and professional arenas, yet the intimate life appears to pale in comparison.
For the time being, here I go through school and work, try to work on the connections I do have, although some have withered on the vine and others still unfold, waiting like tender sprouts to issue forth and reveal what they may. I go forward at this juncture, scared at what I may find tomorrow. But I have no where to turn. Here I walk, into the vacuous, the unknown ...