Ku-RehSu Jone (punkbassoon) wrote in gayrelationship,
Ku-RehSu Jone
punkbassoon
gayrelationship

brave new world?

I almost feel guilty for posting here because I don't see any new posts after mine a month or two ago. However, I am very happy and grateful for the comments I have gotten in the past in this forum.

The other day I randomly ran into someone who had hurt me pretty badly about two years ago. To make a long story short, he told via voicemail he didn't think he could see me any longer on the basis of something beyond a platonic relationship, but he said this in a much more terse manner than I have described it. I made sure that I did let him know that I did not like the manner in which he did this one bit, but there he was, still leaving me voicemails for awhile. While it didn't take me long to move on after that, I never forgot that, and eventually I did get over the initial anger and hurt.

So when I randomly ran into him yesterday at a coffeehouse, he was the one who had recognized me and started the conversation. We got to talking and I found out that at the time I had met him, he had been off his meds due to lacking medical insurance, and was having paranoid issues. I still made sure I let him know I didn't like what had happened, that I harbored no ill will toward him, but I had ignored him because I didn't know what to do with someone who behaves that way. We kept the conversation going, and he expressed that although he thought well of me, he didn't think he was in a place to be in a relationship. I'm glad for that chance for some closure and for he and I to truly be on friendly relations again.

My past, with this one guy I've described, as well as with my ex, and even among a few others, seems to scream one central theme: I can't seem to meet guys who are a bit more on my plane, in terms of education and employment, or at least with the same amount of motivation, focus, and commitment to their own lives in general. Truly, I hope this does not represent a defect in my own character. In speaking with my sister on this, she expressed that once you're out of school, or at least in a situation where you aren't really meeting a lot of potential dates and more in the same vein, it becomes even more difficult, especially when there are specific qualities desired of someone I might date. It's not for lack of effort, or putting myself out there in various social events. I still am trying to get over my issues of accepting being partnered at a later age rather than the dream I had of settling some time ago. Being in my 40s or 50s and just setting down doesn't feel or sound very attractive to me. The guys I do meet who do seem initially to be someone I would want to be with either turn out to be already partnered, non-committal, or are pretty much freaks.

I know there are no fast and set answers out there, but I don't really know what to do about this, other than just try to keep accepting this fate and run with it somehow.

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 10 comments
I don't think your situation is set in stone, there's no guarantee that your pattern of dates will be predictive of the future dates you'll find, or that you won't settle down til you're 40.

The question actually is whether you've been doing the same thing in finding dates, that you keep running into these people who don't fit your needs. If you met all the previous disappointing dates from the same venue, then the problem may be more in the method than in the population.

Have you met anyone who satisfies all your criteria but you didn't date due to distance/relationship status or what not?
I think I've tried many venues for dating and haven't stuck to just one. I will admit trying to meet guys online is easier in many respects. that whole bar/club scene just hasn't been something I could warm up to. I do participate in the employee queer events on campus where I work, as well as going to yelp.com elite events.

Have you met anyone who satisfies all your criteria but you didn't date due to distance/relationship status or what not?


I've met maybe two or three guys in the time I have been dating who've all been geographically distant and didn't date them. by the same token, I did have one long distance relationship, which lasted for 10 months. basically I was scared off by a guy who wanted to move in with me after only having spent a few times with me in person, and I wouldn't stand for that. he was more into me than I was into him, so I'm glad in the end that didn't work out that way.

I just never imagined I'd be back at square one at 34.
Well bar/club isn't the only venue out there aside from online. These other venues are equally involved in terms of what efforts you'd have to put in, but more targeted at the same time. Volunteer groups at gay service/health centers, for one. Hobby groups, especially if it's for musicians like you, or even from the side of the orchestra-goers. And of course there's the friend-of-friend route, though I don't know whether your circle of friends know other gay guys?

In any case, have you been looking at under 30 groups? Because for above 30 y/o groups, I find it strange that those you ran into aren't at your level of education/employment. People who're >30, they're already settled in their career of choice, even for gay guys (exceptions exist, of course). I'm surprised that you found the majority to be not settled yet. Maybe if you focus your search to more affluent cities or higher education level, by filters in your online search, you'll have better pool of candidates to choose from?
In any case, have you been looking at under 30 groups? Because for above 30 y/o groups, I find it strange that those you ran into aren't at your level of education/employment. People who're >30, they're already settled in their career of choice, even for gay guys (exceptions exist, of course). I'm surprised that you found the majority to be not settled yet. Maybe if you focus your search to more affluent cities or higher education level, by filters in your online search, you'll have better pool of candidates to choose from?


it's been mixed, between 20s and 30s groups, some older groups too beyond 40s. As for the second part, it has nothing to do with whether guys are settled in a career or not; those guys I have come across don't want to be with one guy per se. Perhaps they enjoy the chase.

I'm pretty unusual in that I have a double career, and have done two major things on my life, as well as now completing a 2nd graduate degree. I wouldn't know how to get more affluent than the SF bay area unless perhaps I might look at NYC or Tokyo, of which both I'm not really looking at to move to anytime soon.
Oh it's more a problem of them not wanting to commit to you then. Ok, well that's a harder problem to solve. Nothing I can come up with is predictive for that trait. Affluence or education level wouldn't predict that either.

Well, I think it warrants more dating until you find the person who fits. Don't be discouraged too fast, and good luck.
somehow, I feel like it's easier for you to express the not-being-discouraged statement, as you have a few years on your side. I'm discouraged because through all the years, I don't have something that's come of it—I only have my education and career, and while stability is good, stability alone can be lonely.

I mean no offense by my comment to you. This is just the way I feel.
No, I understand what you're coming from. Indeed the years of no result is depressing.

So instead, can you be even more busy so you don't have the time to notice this issue?
being busy only helps to a certain extent. It's sorta like trying to ignore tinnitus, but you can only block out the annoying sound to some degree. I have been going to counseling for more than three years now, but of course that also has its limits.
And oh, curious if you've tried http://www.okcupid.com
I find that site to be the best for dating, since you can implement a lot of selection criteria, including people's essays.
So far, I've been trying that site. no dice, besides weird lurker/stalker types who appear to want to take advantage of me ...