Ku-RehSu Jone (punkbassoon) wrote in gayrelationship,
Ku-RehSu Jone

brave new world?

I almost feel guilty for posting here because I don't see any new posts after mine a month or two ago. However, I am very happy and grateful for the comments I have gotten in the past in this forum.

The other day I randomly ran into someone who had hurt me pretty badly about two years ago. To make a long story short, he told via voicemail he didn't think he could see me any longer on the basis of something beyond a platonic relationship, but he said this in a much more terse manner than I have described it. I made sure that I did let him know that I did not like the manner in which he did this one bit, but there he was, still leaving me voicemails for awhile. While it didn't take me long to move on after that, I never forgot that, and eventually I did get over the initial anger and hurt.

So when I randomly ran into him yesterday at a coffeehouse, he was the one who had recognized me and started the conversation. We got to talking and I found out that at the time I had met him, he had been off his meds due to lacking medical insurance, and was having paranoid issues. I still made sure I let him know I didn't like what had happened, that I harbored no ill will toward him, but I had ignored him because I didn't know what to do with someone who behaves that way. We kept the conversation going, and he expressed that although he thought well of me, he didn't think he was in a place to be in a relationship. I'm glad for that chance for some closure and for he and I to truly be on friendly relations again.

My past, with this one guy I've described, as well as with my ex, and even among a few others, seems to scream one central theme: I can't seem to meet guys who are a bit more on my plane, in terms of education and employment, or at least with the same amount of motivation, focus, and commitment to their own lives in general. Truly, I hope this does not represent a defect in my own character. In speaking with my sister on this, she expressed that once you're out of school, or at least in a situation where you aren't really meeting a lot of potential dates and more in the same vein, it becomes even more difficult, especially when there are specific qualities desired of someone I might date. It's not for lack of effort, or putting myself out there in various social events. I still am trying to get over my issues of accepting being partnered at a later age rather than the dream I had of settling some time ago. Being in my 40s or 50s and just setting down doesn't feel or sound very attractive to me. The guys I do meet who do seem initially to be someone I would want to be with either turn out to be already partnered, non-committal, or are pretty much freaks.

I know there are no fast and set answers out there, but I don't really know what to do about this, other than just try to keep accepting this fate and run with it somehow.

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